1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato
salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens
turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is
that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your
mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until
someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to
be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over
until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little
asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not
gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed
upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Ruckus to start telling family stories
about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except
for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their little
asses!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We
do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave
birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that
talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one
minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will
feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for
approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you
don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next
year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a
plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it
again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch
you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my
house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
SUBJECTED TO A CAVITY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This
is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten
minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your
child will be put outside until you come and get him or her.. After 24
hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no
sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your
ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT
11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen.
I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be
supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount
will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at
the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a
credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO
FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!
